I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
