Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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