You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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