Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
