I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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