dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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