I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
