I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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