now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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