Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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