My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
