When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
