if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
