I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
