I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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