How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
