Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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