Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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