Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
