i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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