The maid of honor just puked.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
