I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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