My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
