I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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