If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
