I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
