i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
