"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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