so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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