Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
