oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
