Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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