He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
