Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just cut my nipple shaving
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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