i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my being single is dangerous.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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