I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
