My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
