What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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