I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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