fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize