My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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