I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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