Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
