I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
