Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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