If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
