Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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