this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
