i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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