I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
someone owes me an orgasm
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
