im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
