handjob tips. give me some.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
