Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
