I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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