john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
