Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
