im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A bitchslap is in order.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
