he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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