I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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